kiboko

At times the pain is sweet, I wish I could feel it but I cannot..not that I cannot, I want to but that would mean staying in bed the whole day, listening to Kanye sing about lights that are flashing or coming home. The pain so immense it leaves paralysis running down the left side, but so sweet you really want to feel it that’s why you don’t take the pills before you sleep only to wake up finding the left butt cheek is dead, and when your butt is dead, you can’t sit on the can, you can’t walk to the can and you definately can’t bend over to brush your teeth, or wash your face of the dead cells sitting neatly in your tear glands. The only thing you can do painfully is reach for the pills on the carpet and pop some in your mouth and swallow them with that gulp of water from the bottle next to your bed..that’s if this time you don’t take the bottle to your face too hard gushing your lip and knocking the front teeth(you know they sensitive, right?). And like every morning you choke, slightly..well the pills get stuck on the upper back palette leaving that bitter taste in your mouth, you’d think after doing 100 codeines every week for 8 weeks you’d be a professional but you just end up a fucking addict, an addict to the pain..an addict to the pills(what would I do without a repeat prescription, I thank my stars for the NHS..bloody overstretched? I don’t care, all I want is my pills..that’s all!

Today was special, I took double my dose and felt i could do a triathlon, i brushed my teeth and combed my hair, dressed up and walked briskly 2 miles to a cash machine, had to credit my phone so I could text her, I kinda miss her you know? Every weekend for the last..er..umm..oba how many weekends..just know it’s over 2 months, we have been texting, it is reflex, take out my phone,slide the keypad down and blindly text coz I know what I want to say, I know where the keys are and i bloody use text predict..(hey wanna know what words i have saved in my phone dictionary?..whatever some other time)..so yeah i even took the clothes to the dry cleaners, and was back before Tumbo could come out the shower(totally freaked him out when he came downstairs…shoulda seen the look on his face..C.L.A.S.S.I.C)

Of late, I kinda decided to be ignorant you know, read no more newspapers, didn’t watch the tv, nothing about what’s going on outside my doors..it’s been 12 hour sessions of the cartoon network channel(re-runs of looney tunes, bugs, daffy and porky totally kick butt..i don’t care what you say, or think)..and a few hours on the internet. My phone hasn’t rung in along time, ok minus Tumbo calling me from home this morning and that debt collector’s agency who are wrongly charging me over 4000£..turns out they got the wrong person..friggin arseholes, shoulda sued their asses for causing me emotional distress! Honestly I think I need some sunshine, the one here is polluted and there is this breeze that’s around you just end up wearing a sweater in the summer! No seriously, does anyone have space for a brother to crash? I don’t mind doing mukeeka or the sofa..heck i’ll cook and clean if you want..Can i come for just a few weeks, get away from all this madness?

Any Kenyans reading this? Yes,No, Maybe..well in the past I have worked for 2 Kenyans..in my usual capacity as an Askari, and honestly they were a bunch of thieving, over workin, under paying bosses who are so rude, you feel like dipping them in blood and serving to alligators so they can grab a huge chunk of their torso, twist them snappin the spine and dragging them down to drown them before feasting on them..Sorry got a lil carried away there..yes, I’m back to working for another Kenyan and bloody hell, am i not looking forward to it, it is 12 hour night shifts, 7 days a week..the money is alright, cash in hand so it should be tax free, but guess what..im getting half of my salary! I told you there are a bunch of thieving bumwipes!..(Baz is alright to call them pampers, or should it just be bum wipes?)..Anyway, what to do, what to do..better me than some Polish chap right? That polish guy might even bring his other cousins to work there as well for half my salary..Say does anyone want to come share the job with me? We can have fun all night long(not in that way you pervs!)..we can do finger shadows..I can do a dog, and a bird..we can tell stories all night..no creepy ones..we can practice stand up comedy..come on..what say you? You know want to..

Has anyone seen Degstar? Really..has anyone seen him?

This is a quick guide to winning an argument, making a key statement and impressing a few drunk goons in that pub in Ntinda*..yes you know that one, the one where the loos are horrible and dark but you still go inside smoking a ciggarette or holding your breath, whipping out lil johnnie from as far as the door coz you;

a.trust your sense of aim

b.the floor is bloody flooded and you definately are sure it isn’t the water cistern that burst and that soft mould your shoe is tapping really isnt soaked tissue paper

ah yes, where was i..the pub..yeah and the meat platter takes a gazillion minutes to come and the beer isn’t warm the day you there and so is the soda! There is nothing as disgusting as a warm fanta in kampala heat!!

So on to looking intelligent,or sounding intelligent..all you have to do is speak with confidence. You now ask ‘Isn’t that what you are supposed to do?’..well not entirely..there are a few other things. You see when you are talking or arguing with drunk people, they usually produce valid arguments which are known as ‘Beer Degrees’ notably characters are people like Saggy and..well some MPs…anyway here is what you do;

1.Have a stutter. Forget all that nonsense about lack of confidence, there is this stutter that just convinces everyone..heck it has convinced us for the past 20 or so years that the roads are being fixed and that we have been donating to the British each time we export coffee(im so friggin tired of hearing that whenever the numero uno citizen visits outside countries and ‘presents a lecture’). Case in point..’The,the, the rrrroads are..*healthy pause..automatically going to be fixed this financial year..Even Tony Blair has a stutter, he got us to back him on the Iraq war and look, he is convincing the Middle East to sign peace treaties..

2.Get a western accent. Replace all your ‘L’s with ‘R’s and prolong your words. This will give you a certain as if je ne sais quois to whatever you are saying..words like ‘automatically’ end up as ‘auutomaticarrle’ ‘absolutely’ ends up ‘absorootrey’. first of all it will get you attention, secondly it will give your words a certain credibility..*sigh* if only Kale could say all he had to say with a stutter and western accent…

3.Hand gestures. In proper civilised society, gesticulating is seen as rude, but when you are the most enlightened chap in the area who cares , you probably could even fart out loud and you would not get castigated for adding to ‘global warming’..swing your arms, pound tables, rubs your palms together..everyone will fall for whatever you are sayin..

And how have you been?