How to be a Ugandan(?) in Kampala…

This is a quick guide to winning an argument, making a key statement and impressing a few drunk goons in that pub in Ntinda*..yes you know that one, the one where the loos are horrible and dark but you still go inside smoking a ciggarette or holding your breath, whipping out lil johnnie from as far as the door coz you; your sense of aim

b.the floor is bloody flooded and you definately are sure it isn’t the water cistern that burst and that soft mould your shoe is tapping really isnt soaked tissue paper

ah yes, where was i..the pub..yeah and the meat platter takes a gazillion minutes to come and the beer isn’t warm the day you there and so is the soda! There is nothing as disgusting as a warm fanta in kampala heat!!

So on to looking intelligent,or sounding intelligent..all you have to do is speak with confidence. You now ask ‘Isn’t that what you are supposed to do?’..well not entirely..there are a few other things. You see when you are talking or arguing with drunk people, they usually produce valid arguments which are known as ‘Beer Degrees’ notably characters are people like Saggy and..well some MPs…anyway here is what you do;

1.Have a stutter. Forget all that nonsense about lack of confidence, there is this stutter that just convinces everyone..heck it has convinced us for the past 20 or so years that the roads are being fixed and that we have been donating to the British each time we export coffee(im so friggin tired of hearing that whenever the numero uno citizen visits outside countries and ‘presents a lecture’). Case in point..’The,the, the rrrroads are..*healthy pause..automatically going to be fixed this financial year..Even Tony Blair has a stutter, he got us to back him on the Iraq war and look, he is convincing the Middle East to sign peace treaties..

2.Get a western accent. Replace all your ‘L’s with ‘R’s and prolong your words. This will give you a certain as if je ne sais quois to whatever you are saying..words like ‘automatically’ end up as ‘auutomaticarrle’ ‘absolutely’ ends up ‘absorootrey’. first of all it will get you attention, secondly it will give your words a certain credibility..*sigh* if only Kale could say all he had to say with a stutter and western accent…

3.Hand gestures. In proper civilised society, gesticulating is seen as rude, but when you are the most enlightened chap in the area who cares , you probably could even fart out loud and you would not get castigated for adding to ‘global warming’..swing your arms, pound tables, rubs your palms together..everyone will fall for whatever you are sayin..


And how have you been?



  1. Tandra said,

    June 18, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    i has booooooooooooooots!!!!

    welcome back!

  2. soulchild said,

    June 18, 2008 at 2:11 pm


  3. soulchild said,

    June 18, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    Glad you are back!

  4. Tandra said,

    June 18, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    have u tried a warm mirinda (especially fruity) in Kampala heat?

    ooo and i been aiiit

  5. Heaven! said,

    June 19, 2008 at 4:53 am

    am happy….am coming back to read this. got a meeting in 20 mins

    welcome back!!!

  6. Dimples said,

    June 19, 2008 at 5:18 am

    absorootrey rrrroooovvveee the post!!!
    Werrrcome back!

  7. jasmine said,

    June 19, 2008 at 5:49 am


  8. Carlo said,

    June 25, 2008 at 8:28 am

    ((dancing for joy that I can actually read your blog again))

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