What Kale should do

Of late, there has been a drastic increase in the use of tear gas to quell demonstrations. Whether the demos are peaceful, or violent tear gas is dispensed freely to all..ask the students at Makerere who feel they can riot mbu ‘some guys have been arrested, granted bail and re-arrested again so they should amok, beat up poor bystanders, rob a few shops around the hill( i hope you guys dont raid Sula’s emporium coz man this guy controls what most of you people eat,ROLEX). Even people like Warren and John Ken have had their fair share of tear gas..so if you’re a tax-paying citizen and have not received your share of tear gas, you must have a riot or demonstrate, it really doesnt matter whether it is peaceful or violent, you’re still going to get tear-gassed!! Anyway the reason why I am writing this letter to Afande kale is coz man the police services are getting slower and for sure at this rate, the police force is going to collapse. I mean people who are more excited about crushing a bunch of guys who pose no threat at all yet you are being robbed and they have to call you to ask for directions to your house?? The fellows might even be calling you from Nakiguli’s phone..u know Nakiguli..im sure most of u have used her phone..ahh come on..dont u know that telephone operator who sits opposite CPS , just outside former foods and beverages..the one who has to keep moving her small table to avoid the droppings from those kaloli’s? Anyway, the truth be told, the police services in Uganda are collapsing..you think im joking? Have you ever seen a tourist in Uganda taking photographs with a policeman? Or any other Ugandan, well apart from Warren, Salaamu and a few other chaps about town..do u see where I am going with this?The number of tourists I see taking pics of pretend apprehension by the metro police here is unbelievable, even when one winks at me, im too scared of what might happen. Yeah i’ve watched the beatings of Rodney and trust me, i’d rather be tear-gassed everyday of my life. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…without further adue, here is what should be done to improve the police services;

1.GET RID OF THAT UNIFORM!!!! Sincerely speaking,the post colonial era and pre-colonial era uniforms where so much better! I mean the khaki shorts and starched stockings were alright but man that green!!! Can we even call it green? They all look like overgrown kids doing adult primary education at Nakasero Primary school! Im sorry Nakasero alumni but your uniform sucked!It had this diarrhoea green-ish to it that just made me shudder whenever i saw you guys around! I mean in America they are called the boys in blue and wear it with so much dignity and pride, you’d want to become a cop..then here is the pearl it’s only the top dogs who have much nicer uniforms. People are so scared of talking to the boys in green..only man who wore green and was friendly was ‘green man’ at Buganda Road Primary School…ok for the record im not sure he was 5-0(american slang for police) but that guy had a grip!!If u ever tried dashing out of the school gate at lunch time to go buy mangoes with curry, toy cars or just toy guns from Okwalinga you can testify to this!

2.DROP THE AK47’s! Now this is a valid reason, people won’t get shot ‘accidentally’ and probably if they did this along time ago, my hommie George(R.I.P) would still be alive! It’s hardly you see armed policemen patrolling the streets of london unless there has been a violent crime happening or something to do with terrorism. And if there are armed policemen around, they are kept from the public’s eye! Besides what is with walking around with rusty AK’s?? Man even some have sasi limu’s from the mau-mau days, which are an enormous danger both to the handler and the public. I doubt they even oil and clean their guns, besides walking without guns will give them a friendly atmosphere and just maybe when tourists come to Uganda, they can take pictures of our policemen in clean, uniforms, smiling and without guns!

3.SMILING LESSONS! If you are reading this and have come across a smiling Uganda Police officer, I owe you a rolex and some mulokony for lunch at Mama Boyi’s place in Kawempe!Yes hold it to me when you meet me, even if it’s 30 years from now. And that smile has to come with some customer service, generally courtesy..’Ndamusiza nnyo ba-ssebo na ba-Nnyabo’..’Lovely weather isnt it’..’oh thats a great big pothole you just went through, are you alright?’…’do you want me to flag down those swines of boda-boda riders for you’..’No,no Sir..I think this time, we can let that insurance incident slide, but next time we shall have to go to the station..kindest regards to the wife and kids’..that’s wat I mean..rolex and mulokony anyone?

4.CHANGE THEIR SHOES! Have you ever noticed that during the riots, the policemen never attack anyone unless you’re really dumb enough to get close to them? I mean with those blocks for shoes, they probably can’t chase a pig in the front yard of CPS, so how do you expect them to run down a thief or a bank robber..wait, i forgot we have private askaris who shoot to kill..dont know if they are like James Bond who are licensed but still..anyway, where was I..ahh yes..now if they gave them some nikeys or adidas sneakers or better still reeboks, im sure these guys wouldnt have trouble chasing the wrong characters up and down. Have you ever seen a policeman man-handling a thief?First of all he has that rusty AK from the 70’s and they must weigh a tonne..then he is dragging the thief who is also trying to run away in the other hand, and that same hand, the elbow is trying to hold up his trousers(those scholar belts dont do jack to keep ur pants up)up, maybe he decided to go commando or something, then he is struggling to walk and jump onto the patrol pickup with his heavy shoes..now if that isnt birango, then I dont know wat is!

5.THOSE PATROL PICKUPS! Dude, we need to do something about those pickups..has anyone ever seen a police car chase?Man the way those guys hold on tight at the back, they look like they are on some roller coaster ride..tres fun but not if ur going to throw up infront of the bad guys! Whatever happened to upgrading these guys with like toyota Kabina, they can all squeeze it and if they are doing a long car chase via Masaka road, they can eat gonja(char-grilled plantain) and Muchomo(BBQed chicken or beef,generally meat) and yeah can get the action LIVE!! Move over cineplex..

6.BARRACKS! A man’s house is his castle..Has anyone been to Jinja road police station?..no,no..i mean the barracks at the back?I feel our boys deserve more than tin houses, plus it’s not like they are single, these guys have families and stuff, so someone pliz tell the numero uno of the country to remember the Uganda Police boys when he is giving away land, maybe he can donate some so that they can have some decent accomodation for their families and themselves. It’s hard work being a law enforcement officer.

7.STOP BORROWING THEIR UNIFORMS! Obviously in the past few months since warren came back, these boys have been borrowing their uniforms. And in the end they look bad…can’t say much here but yeah..sharing that uniform is like sharing underwear, I just hope the guys who borrow the uniforms have to wear them by force yet they have stains of chain mukalu, skid marks from you know were and dirty collars!

8.Please don’t arrest me in future, I am a law abiding citizen who will always drive in his lane, take the breath analyzer test, park in the right spaces and will give you chai when you ask for it

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