How to become President in Africa and stay President!

Kenyatta, Mandela, Kagame, Bashir, Mugabe, Museveni, Nkomo, Nyerere..all have one thing in common..they all have been or are currently presidents in Africa(u see, i speak of Africa like it’s one country)..kati if you want to assume power in Africa it’s quite simple…and if u want to keep power, that’s even easier.Presenting how to keep power in Africa:

1. Firstly, appoint all your hommies, blogren, brethen, relas to high profile cabinet posts, legislative and judicial posts. So when you wake up in a bad mood or when you know..yes you know wat im talking about..when Mama(yeah u change ur wife’s name to mama) didnt serve you fish..(and Im talking about the fish the fish..not that u perv!!..anyway..where was I, when u get up in a bad mood..u just decide to change the constitution to watever u want added…by the way if any future presidents are reading this..make Tuesday a public holiday..and call it Tuesday..we all need a break when the week has just begun, ya dig?..so all ur high profile buddies will be able to work this out for u.

2.Secondly, make ur next of kin in-charge of ur personal security. That way u dont have any scares of ur ‘loyal troops’ being bribed by some western country to assasinate you. Then after, you shall then provide them wit loads of ammunition..the latest..give them hefty checks at the expense of the army you created. But it’s all good coz you can just deny the fact of hiring ur next of kin by saying he is a highly trained soldier from the best military academy in the world(also me i want to go there) hence is able to control a whole battalion(negro pliz..every soldier must earn their stripes on the battle field, not in some posh military school wit a bunch of ‘VIP’ kids who are taught to wake up at 5 am, fold their bedsheets in a three star formation then polish their own shoes).

3.This is a must…buy loads and loads of tear gas. This must be used only when people get rowdy but can also be used to disperse unruly students who are striking for no cause watsoever plus those opposition leaders who want to address rallies. But this is also good in a way that it deters hooligans and thieves from attacking the shops of loyal citizens who pay taxes and seeing as they have poor roads and no hospitals, this can act as a display of their taxes being put to use. Please note that when tear gas is dispensed(do i make it seem like it’s a new medicine)..a bunch of trigger happy..kiboko thirsty policemen are on stand by.This is a must..it’s like having chai mukalu wit no muhogo!!

4.When the leader of the opposition gets bigheaded, there are two things you can do;
a)try to get them arrested-usually this doesnt work coz they end up going to outside countries like Sudan and South Africa and not forgetting Zambia.But it sure is worth a try none the less.
b)when trying to get them arrested fails..just accuse them of treason. Works like a charm..but the problem is that people will end up saying,’bambi, musajja waffe’ and then also people like Tony and George from outside countries will send people to ask for their release and that sure is going make u look a complete asshole!!But anyway you can do both and charge for treason and arrest them

5.Change your name..now this is mandatory..you can either pick ‘Big cock’…’crouching leopard’..’hidden camel’…’castrated lion’ but these must be translated into the local dialects hence have a ‘deeper meaning’..or better still..call urself Mzee..swahili for old wise man..everybody throws props to people called Mzee..and besides..when ur called Mzee, no one will every question wat u do..not even the UN!Even that old woman who is aged enough to be ur great grand mother and has seen all presidents since the country gained independence will call you Mzee.

For now, thats it..kati now dont i deserve a ka-ministerial post?

one love to all my people

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